Королева Твиттерстана

Недавнее обсуждение «Цитатника ГП» напомнило мне о Келли Оксфорд, собравшей (на данный момент) 530966 «followers» (как мы это переводим? «последыши»?), и подумал, а почему бы не выложить изборничек для тех, кому она не известна?

2013

Don’t forget what you’re celebrating; a bunch of slave-owning aristocratic white males didn’t want to pay their taxes. /jul4

If your boyfriend or husband complains about your PMS this month, remind him that you could have been pregnant instead. /jul2

If you have young children and no nanny, every day is Monday. /jul1

Scary to think that my kids could become adults who mix up your/you’re and I’ll have wasted 20 yrs because I have to kill them. /jun29

Toddlers & Tiaras is a prequel to 16 and Pregnant. /jun28

Sometimes I think men have it good & other times I’m glad I don’t have to ask someone if I can touch their boobs. /jun28

I wish I was just dumb enough not to know how dumb I am. /jun25

Kim Kardashian makes me long for the days when women like her were hired to show prizes on game shows and we never had to hear them speak. /jun23

There should be a sarcasm font. /jun23

Pregnancy sickness is caused by knowing a human being is growing inside of you. /jun17

My superpower is understanding iPhone text typos. /jun17

4 yr old daughter calls her ankle bones «my balls» in case you were wondering if I was raising geniuses over here. /jun17

The mockingbird in my yard that likes to sing a multi tone car alarm is the most talented living thing I want to light on fire. /jun16

The staff at this resort know I’m not wealthy because I make eye contact and say please and thank you. /jun11

When someone types «congrats» instead of «congratulations» they don’t mean it. /jun3

If you think Katharine Hepburn and Audrey Hepburn are related, you’re wrong. You’re welcome. There’s a lot of other shit you have wrong too. / jun3

Sometimes it’s fun if you don’t tell him you’re having your period and then a few minutes into sex just start screaming WHAT IS HAPPENING?! /jun3

I feel like girls who wear mini skirts to movies have never been in a movie theatre before. /may29

People who make animals their cause scare me because they hate people more than I do. /may29

Just farted on a wood chair in public but thankfully no one heard it because I have my earbuds in. /may23

I wonder how old Jenna Jameson’s twin boys will be when they realize they weren’t the first two guys in her at the same time. /may22

Police helicopter just hovered over my house long enough for me to wonder if I did it. /may20

‘Nice guys’ are just regular assholes who know when to shut up and listen. /may16

The fact that the only part of my body that has had stitches is my vagina is all you really need to know about me. /may12

I make cookies and the kids say, «You’re the best Mom!» I laugh, «These aren’t for you.» And eat them. /may10

Is it cardio if you try on a bikini and have a panic attack for 20 minutes? /may5

4 minutes ago I woke up from a nap I didn’t know I was having and now I know I’ll be okay with dying. /apr27

When my oldest daughter was 3 I told her where meat comes from, «I love piggies so much more now that I know they taste like bacon!!» /apr22

Every time I feel like I should be doing something I’ll lean back, shut my eyes and let that feeling pass. /apr22

Time to put on a push up bra and pretend everything is okay. /apr18

Sarah Palin’s greatest contribution to society is making that look-alike porn star so popular. /apr17

The world won’t change until there’s a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine. /apr10

Remember when porn star Jenna Jameson told Oprah, «There’s a little bit of Jenna in everyone.» She got that backwards, right? /apr8

On 11th anniversary he said: «You’re so sexy; I watched 3 babies come out of your vagina & thought: Hurry up so I can get back in there.» /apr7

Husband’s anniversary card in 2012 said, «I love you so much I want to move to a country where I can legally own you.» /apr7

Just watched a woman buy: gas-x, lice treatment and condoms. I spoke for the world when I said, «I hope they all work.» /mar21

Once again Sarah Palin is up there reminding us that in America a woman can rise up and prove to be just as dumb as a man. /mar16

Some of us are quiet because we’re worried our thoughts might come out. /mar16

Marriage is basically listening to your husband swear and scream at scanners/printers from another room. /mar11

Every clock in my room changed daylight time on its own. It’s finally the future. /mar10

I miss wasting time in video stores. /mar8

There aren’t any girl magicians because we burned them all. /feb16

I really want to wear a giant bandage on half my face for this magazine interview and then refuse to talk about it. /jan27

Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer. /jan24

Marriage: Waking up to the best news stories being emailed to you from your husband in the bathroom. /jan5

2012

Sometimes it feels like people who love Jesus forget he was a liberal Jew who hung out with a bunch of bros & a whore & gave people wine. /dec25

I should probably just take a pregnancy test but I don’t want to find out I’m just getting fat. /nov30

I wish people who wore camouflage were less visible. /nov30

If you can name 5 Kardashians but can’t name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket. /nov28

Keep telling the kids that 7 hours of school a day may suck now, but when they’re parents, it will be the best part of the week. /nov27

I spent almost my entire childhood pretending I was the dramatic child actor playing myself in a future biographical film based on my life. /nov2

You can’t imagine the immensity of the fuck he does not give. /oct29

Using a remote control is the closest most of us get to being wizards. /oct26

The longer I have kids the more I realize parents who tell their kids they weren’t the reason for divorce were lying. /oct20

America in 5 words: Get out of my way. /oct16

If an intruder walked into my house, I feel like my first reaction would be to give my husband crap about leaving a door open or something. /oct15

Homophobic slurs are a terrible way to tell everyone you think about cocks a lot. /oct11

The best way to avoid a cold is washing your hands and never having children. /oct9

Just once, I’d like to fuck up as much as Columbus and have a day named after me. /oct8

It’s fun living in a world where Lindsay Lohan is in the news every day but you can’t say vagina in a tampon commercial. /oct1

Back to The Future is a cautionary tale about going back in time and discovering your Mom wants to fuck you. /sep22

(etc.)